Accordingly to Wikipedia, the Dead Sea is “receding at an alarming rate”, much like my interest in online shopping for a date on Plenty of Fish (POF). Am I really surprised? Much like the Dead Sea, Plenty of Fish is “a harsh environment in which not much can flourish” and after all, you get what you pay for (if I forgot to mention, it's a free site).
While I’m normally totally a Pollyanna with life (refer back to “the profile” blog entry - positive person (normally) to the point of annoying people) my experience, so far on the site, does not have me shitting rainbows (Attention deficit side note – I actually have a pair of socks that says “it’s a shitting rainbows kind of day”, okay now back on track). Now, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that a lot of men might be illiterate. Clearly, if they only read a quarter of the novel I wrote (or even just #7), they probably wouldn’t have contacted me. So if they aren’t illiterate, they have absolutely no common sense, or respect for the women they are reaching out to online. DUDES – stop trying to connect with just anyone! It won’t last. Pay attention, figure out the type of girl you’re looking for and stop complaining that no one responds, it’s probably because you have nothing in common. Take it as a sign from the universe and move on and that does go for the chicks reading too. (side note - did you know the urban definition of dude is a ball of poop stuck to an Elephant's ass? I'm going with the more common definition of "man/guy" for this blog. Anyway, back to the blog) All of the above was originally the opener for an entry that was going to focus on some specific stories regarding my first few “catches” that I reeled in on plenty of fish but then my ADD kicked in and I started scrolling through Facebook instead of writing about my “fish”…this is where it takes a totally different spin. My friend, Powie, posted “RIP Amy Krouse Rosenthal” on her facebook page and it caught my eye (mainly because FB has that stupid huge ass font when you only write a few words.) Truthfully, I had no f’in clue who that was so I quickly googled her for fear it was someone that my already grieving friend knew personally. The first google “hit” that popped up was a quick blurb from the NY Times that said “Amy Krouse Rosenthal, Children’s Author and Filmmaker, Dies at 51.” (I made an assumption my friend was merely a fan and didn’t know her personally) The 2nd was something Amy had written for a NY Times column, Modern Love, just a few days before she died. It was entitled “You May Want to Marry My Husband.” Well, me being the hippie that I am, said….”omg, that’s could be a sign from the Universe, I’m looking for a date and she said I might want to marry her husband so I should read that one first and I wonder if I do want to marry her husband?” Side note, I’m not insensitive but I am often inappropriate (I know...shocker). My family just deals with sad/uncomfortable news/issues/information with humor and sarcasm. It’s never meant with malicious intent. It’s our coping mechanism. Now back to the program. I did do a super quick read of hit #1, I gathered Amy started out as a lawyer, quit her day job and become a very popular children’s writer and columnist. She did TedTalks, these kick ass social experiments and a whole lot of other stuff that made me feel like I’ve probably spent way too much time of my life watching TV and playing on Facebook. But it was the second hit, “You May Want to Marry My Husband” that took this entry into an entirely different direction. Amy died on March 13, 2017 of Ovarian cancer. She was 51 (a mere 9 years older than me and 13 years younger than my mother). Believing she was having an appendicitis, she went to the hospital on September 5, 2015 (ironically my grandmother’s 99th birthday, grandma is now 100 – it’s the ADD, I can’t help it) with her husband, by the end of the visit to the ER, she found out she had late stage Ovarian Cancer. The irony for Amy and her husband was that it was their first day as empty nesters, their last child finally out of the house and off to college. All the plans they had for their “new found freedom” (my term, not hers) went out the window. Amy’s humor in this article, even in her last days on this earth, gave me this huge smile right along with a steady stream of heart felt tears. To say the article is touching is an understatement. It’s the story of someone trying to find humor, and a date for her husband, in the last days of her life. Someone so filled with joy and love for her husband that she wants to write his brief “dating profile,” before her death, in the hopes that he’ll find someone in which he can begin a new love story since their 26 year story was being cut short. If you listen closely to her words, you can actually hear the unbelievable love and joy this couple had for each other, partnered with her tremendous amount of disappointment for the things they’ll no longer be able to do and the pain that comes when one realizes something is over, forever. The column comes to a close with Amy leaving an intentional empty space as a way of giving them (her husband and his new partner) the fresh start they deserve (totally her words, not mine). Holy fucking emotion Batman - it was a heart tugging column. As I wiped the tears away from my eyes grieving for a woman and her family I’ll never know, I can’t help but evaluate all the love stories read, watched, lived, or been lucky enough to see firsthand. It also makes me want to give unsolicited “words of wisdom” (Disclaimer: I have no idea what I’m talking about and if you take this advice, you do so at your own risk and I would seek professionally assistance as needed)…. First words of wisdom.... If you’re in a marriage, partnership, relationship, etc. that isn’t bringing joy to each of you on a regular basis, helping the other person be the best person they can be, making each other smile more often than not, etc. Take a big fucking pause right now (with each other) and figure out now if it can be all of those things.
Secondly, Live your life. Truly Live it. According to the article about Amy Rosenthal’s death in the NYTimes by Daniel Victor, “Amy once said her favorite line from literature, was in Thornton Wilder’s play “Our Town,” as spoken by the character Emily as she bids the world goodbye: “Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?” I don’t know how to correctly give credit to Daniel for that statement, because I’m just a girl with a laptop and not a degree, but it resonated with me. How often, if ever, are we truly realizing life? And why aren’t we doing it every day? Here’s something relatively new about me you don’t know. I have a playlist for my funeral. I don’t think I’m going to die anytime soon but you just never know. It doesn’t have many songs on it but after my friend’s grandpa passed away last year, we were laughing at the reception after the service (that’s right, that’s how we roll) joking about how funerals really need better “play lists” so, that day, I started one. After reading Amy's article and the articles about her, I added the song that, I hope, will be the grand finale at the service. The song is “I lived” by One Republic (here’s a link to the the lyrics which you should 100% look up - https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=lyrics+to+lived+by+one+republic&* ) Here's the snap shot on the lyrics.... I did it all I owned every second that this world could give I saw so many places The things that I did Yeah, with every broken bone I swear I lived Side note: Ironically, I heard the song, for the first time, the day my grandfather died. He died at age 98, we were pretty close. The hippie in me told me to take it as a sign. I did. Two years later, my life is pretty different, I’m trying to live it to its fullest and I’m probably the happiest I’ve ever been (although I could go for getting laid more often). No fishing tonight. Until next time… For those interested in reading Amy Krouse Rosenthal’s last writings, grab a box of tissues and click on this link - https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/03/style/modern-love-you-may-want-to-marry-my-husband.html
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3/21/2017 0 Comments “And now headlining…”After a few days of a whole lot of crazy on Plenty of Fish, I got around to completing my online dating "profile".
The profile is your “why you should date me” full page, for lack of a better analogy, advertisement. Some profiles (like the one I originally had) have absolutely no information on the person except the required fields and a quick “just looking” or “checking this out”. Others (like the one I ultimately created) are NOVELS. Now, while I really tried to make mine a true reflection of me, some of the other “novels” were rants from really frustrated people. Rants on what they didn’t want, how crazy people were, etc. While some were pretty innocent, legit, "I just don't get people" rants...most were really aggressive to the point that I couldn't help but think "thanks for the warning that you’re just as fucking nuts as the people you’re writing about.” Back to the profile...a quick tip to those online dating - select a profile pic that doesn’t make you look like a serial killer, a bunny boiler or pics where your face isn’t beaten to a pulp (true story - one guy’s picture literally looked like he’d had the shit beat out of him…dried up blood, bruises, swollen eye, the whole 9 yards. I actually wondered if it was serious or a joke…in POF’s defense, that pic was actually from last summer’s stint on Match.com.) If you choose one of these less than flattering pictures of yourselves, you’re probably not going to snag you a fish anytime soon, but that’s just my opinion. Here's something to look forward to...for those that read this entire blog, you receive a free "gift" of two of my profile pics at the bottom of the blog (don't look ahead, you'll ruin your gift.) These online sites try to “guide you” on what you should say in the way of “share your likes” “what do you want in a partner”, “tell your future partner what your hobbies are” etc. I didn’t really need their guidance because the "plenty of the fish" I was encountering were very helpful in identifying exactly what I DIDN’T want in a date and I was pretty sure I’d be able to express it in the profile (see #7 but don’t look ahead yet) Writing about yourself is a lot easier than people think if you just start typing EXACTLY you’re thinking and then edit with a friend (or two) accordingly. As a reminder from "Go Fish", my goal for my online dating profile was to be as honest as possible, make it enjoyable, and weed out the crazies. WARNING: if you’re an immediate male member of my family, either one of my aunts on my mom’s side, or my mom there may be items in this blog entry that will make you shake your head or wish you hadn’t read it. If you chose to read everything from this point forward, you were warned and by accepting this disclaimer, you will not be allotted the opportunity to pass judgement. Now onto my actual profile…. First the site suggests a “Headline” which immediately made me think of a comedy club “now headlining” but anyway….for my “Headline” I chose “An attempt at the most honest female profile on POF.” Now onto the “About Me” (forewarning, mine was long a shit because I figured I’d put it all out there) here goes…yes, I really did put this online for the world of dating to see and now for all of you, but so be it...... “I figured since so many attentive guys have sent the one liner “you have an awesome profile”, I’d actually type one. Before we begin, “just looking” is not an invite for unsolicited naked pics below the waist or invites to start “sexting” and if you send them, I will laugh with my girlfriends over it, whether it’s impressive or not. You’ll also be considered a special kind of crazy that’s right for someone else :) What you should know before messaging me (in a quasi-David Letterman top 10 format – if you don’t get that reference, please skip ahead to #4)
There. That’s my level of crazy and info about me. If you’ve read this whole profile, I’m seriously impressed and will at least meet you for coffee after a minimum 48 hours of text and phone conversations (just to determine your level of crazy). I’m hoping this helps you in your search because this site is sort of exhausting (kind of like how some of you felt if you actually read this) lol! Plenty of Fish also has a First Date section, which I completed as follows… My friends and I had several comical responses for this box but instead, I’ll just say coffee or putt-putt or some activity that encourages conversation and heads up, the conversation should NOT be one sided, if you’re interested, ask me questions (and paying attention to the answers will be awarded bonus boy scout points) don’t just sit there staring at my beautiful eyes. Side bar - any potential folks that are “fishing” for a date and reading this blog, my advice to you is to be as truthful and positive as possible in your profiles. If you’re not by nature a positive or truthful person, I don’t know what to tell you but best of luck with your search. After writing the profile and re-reading it to my friend Abby for feedback and edits, we agreed we would both definitely date me (this is where you LOL) While feedback from potential “candidates” has confirmed I achieved my first two goals of the profile, I did NOT achieve goal #3 to weed out some of the “we are absolutely not compatible” or “crazy ass (in a really bad way) fish” as I had originally hoped but that's a blog entry for another time. Again, I admit it was a pretty damn long, maybe a bit too forward of a profile but I figured, what did I have to lose? C.S. Lewis said “Be weird. Be random. Be who you are. Because you never know who would love the person you hide” I don’t know what book he wrote it in or if he just said it (because I read it off a meme on Facebook) but it’s a true statement. We all need to stop hiding our weird and stop hiding who we really are. When you let yourself be you, you find your tribe (yeah, I know that term is used a lot these days) and eventually the perfect half that will compliment your kind of crazy and that’s why I decided to be so forthcoming in my profile. So far it hasn’t totally bit me in the ass (yet). Until next time my friends, be kind. (and don't forget your bonus gifts of my profile pics, below!) It’s time for me to “go fish” and see if the new profile has snagged anything yet. 3/21/2017 2 Comments go fishWhen you’re a kid, “Go Fish” is one of the easiest games to play. For those that lived under a rock and didn’t play it, "Go Fish" is a card game in which one player asks another player if they have a certain type of card. If the player has the card, they have to give it up. If they don’t have it, the asking player has to “go fish.” Eventually, after a number of repetitive questions, the player that accumulates the most pairs wins.
Dating is a lot like the game “Go Fish” in the sense that people ask the same questions, over and over again, with different people until at some point, you hopefully find a match. Apparently, on some dating sites, the more matches you make the better (ie. let me see how many people I can date at one time). Personally, I barely have enough time to take a pee, let alone date a load of fish that are apparently a "match". I had lunch with my friend "Curls" a few weeks ago. We chatted about the dating site she'd been testing out called Plenty of Fish (now mostly referred to as "POF".) She had recently met someone and, while it was early and on the “down low”, she said “so far, so good.” A few days later, feeling pretty good about life, I pondered “should I dive back into the dating pool?” I’ve been divorced a little over a year and had one brief bout with dating last summer but have spent the last several months focusing on kids, renovating a house, and reading hippie/change your life stuff.... for some reason, this made me feel “ready” to dive back in. Somewhere in between “life is good, but maybe I should find some adult company” to “I wonder if I’m going to die alone with a house full of cats?” I decided to sign up for POF. Since my friend was feeling good about her current “fish”, I figured why not? How bad could it be? After all it’s free. At no point in the late night hours of that particular Sunday did it occur to me that I might “get what you pay for” so on logged on and started to “go fish.” Now, initially, I just thought, “you’re only going to browse so don’t do the whole profile”. I filled in the bare minimum, “drop down” required questions (height, body type, astrological sign, etc.) and added “just looking” as both my header and the “about me” section. It’s pretty amazing how many fish will try and bite a line that’s not even there. I think some of my favorite notes received were “You have a great profile” to “I really like what you said in your profile.” Who would have thought “just looking” would be such a great pick up line? I should have tried it years ago! Now, what I didn’t realize is that “just looking” must be a “super-secret” code for “hey, let’s start sexting right away and send unsolicited pictures of my penis and genitals” because that’s basically the majority of what I saw within my first 48 hours. SIDE NOTE - if you’re on Plenty of Fish (or any other dating site for that matter) and are the type of person that’s into that, more power to you – no judgement here - BUT, you can expect most relatively “normal” girls to laugh at it, be slightly embarrassed, share that picture with her friends and then run for the hills (no matter how impressive the pics may be.) Now I try to live an “attitude of gratitude,” so I am truly grateful I got those pics and messages. Not only did they helped me figure out where the “block user” was on the website, they also provided over an hour of lunchtime laughter with some of my favorite friends – Abby, Chuckles and Pepi. After about 48 hours of confederate flag loving, big game killing, Trump loving companion candidates, I decided it would probably be best to complete the profile. So I plan to make the most honest female profile on Plenty of Fish. I’ll share the profile when it’s done but the goals are for it to be:
So until next time, I’m going to “go fish” |
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