9/28/2018 2 Comments Why do we wait so long? Here's whyAbout a year ago, the #metoo movement flooded all of our media channels, especially the social ones. Women from all walks of life, race, creed, sexual orientation, etc. came out of the woodworks to share their stories or merely a post a hashtag so their other “sisters” would know they weren’t alone in this world. Stories ranged from being made to feel uncomfortable to full blown violent crimes.
Me being me, I made a joke to a friend about the movement (because that’s what I do, I’m inappropriate)... I said “I’m debating on jumping on the #metoo bandwagon but I think I’m guilty of my own inappropriate advances so is that really fair? (I mean, Jesus Christ, my whole blog is about inappropriate behavior). Instead of sharing my #metoo moment, I said “remember how I grabbed that dude’s junk on the cruise we took?” She reminded me that I’d actually asked him for permission so it wasn’t really assault and that he liked it, right? About a week later, I went for a girls’ weekend with my favorite bitches and #metoo came up over cocktails. One of them said “I’m not saying I don’t believe them but why would they wait so long to say something, I mean come on, some of these stories are like over 20 years old” Fast forward to today….. For those living under a rock, today was the confirmation hearing (or hopefully the hearing that confirmed he wouldn’t be confirmed) for Brett Kavanagh for the Supreme Court. A large majority of the entire US population doesn’t feel he’s a good fit (Yes, I’m putting it nicely.) Aside from a number of shady business dealings (that no one seems to be mentioning) he’s also accused of sexually assaulting multiple women but one in particular has decided to speak up, Dr. Christine Ford. Her testimony of the assault on her by Kavanagh some 30 years ago was part of the hearing. All sorts of debates have been on my Facebook feed and with each one I found myself getting more and more irritated and angry. My Cowboy (you’ll learn about him another time and his awesomeness will definitely not get its due credit in this blog), patiently waited for me to finish my scrolling. He listened to me rant about the various things in my “feed” regarding the day’s events. I finally put my phone down after my final “engagement” with a someone who said “I have so many more reasons that I respect Trump but I’m too tired to list them and I need to go take care of my low blood sugar” (which she can probably only afford to do because of the Affordable Health Care Act, but I won’t get into that). After a deep shy over the state of the world, I turned to my relatively conservative Cowboy and said “so what do you think of all of this Kavanagh/Dr. Ford thing?” in my ever so slightly feminist but very liberal voice. He gently said “I’m not saying I don’t believe her but I’m just trying to understand why someone wouldn’t say something sooner, why do people wait so long to say something.” I flashed back to that moment a year ago when my friend said the same thing and of course in my own special way, I told him exactly why women don’t say anything. We feel ashamed - we feel guilty - we believe it was our fault - we’re afraid no one will believe us and sometimes in the moment, we don’t actually even know it’s wrong. This blog is for those of you that are judging Dr. Ford or just flat out being ignorant about the whole topic of women being sexually assaulted and not reporting it. I’m hoping that by actually hearing a story from a non-celebrity, real person, that's not trying to “take down’s a man’s career”, but from a woman you actually know, that maybe you’ll listen to understand and potentially improve upon your empathy skills. Because after some of the posts I see from friends, there's a lot of folks that need to work on their empathy skills . Here’s my story…. which up until last year, I'd never told anyone. At age 16, I was a receptionist at a car dealership after school. While working there, a guy (somewhere in his later 40's) started flirting with me. I didn’t even realize that’s what it was because I was only 16 at the time and I was relatively oblivious and naive to the obvious sometimes (hard to believe, right?). This went on for several weeks. I found myself kind of drawn to him and then he’d start hanging around the desk more and more often. He then started asking more personal questions about me and my boyfriend and what type of “experience” I had and if my boyfriend and I had “done it” yet - totally inappropriate questions. I don’t remember all of the details, (because it was 25/26 years ago and let’s face it, sometimes you don’t want to remember when you feel like an idiot asshole) but I’d agreed to stop off somewhere and talk to him on our way to our respective homes. It was probably close to 9:30p/10pm at night. I followed him to a park and ride lot and then got into his car. I don’t even really remember what was said but at one point, he somewhat forcefully kissed me and put my hand on his pretty hard cock and started to put his hand up my skirt. When he whipped out his Johnson, I had that come to Jesus “WHAT THE FUCK am I doing here” moment. I knew this was a bad idea and I needed to go home. He was irritated, said something to the effect of “what did I think we were there for” (The truth is, at the time, I had no fucking clue why I agreed to go to the parking lot with that guy but in hindsight, I’m fairly certain I was there due to some deep rooted issue about needing unconditional love, low self-esteem bullshit or something stupid like that but that’s another fucking story) But at 16, my excuse to leave was that I didn’t want to cheat on my boyfriend. He blew it off like it was no big deal and then I got the hell out of his car and drove home. It wasn’t until I relayed that story to my bitches that fall weekend last year, during our #metoo talk, that I realized how truly fucked up the situation was. No, I wasn’t raped and I even went there willingly, but a 40 something year old guy (old enough to be my dad at the time) kissed me, groped me and put my hand on his fucking dick in a parked car in the middle of the night. I was 16. He was in his 40s. It was fucked up. Now back to today. I get that Dr. Ford and Kavanaugh were the same age and they have some different circumstances but the moral of the story is the same. We wait 25/30 years to come forward because we’re embarrassed, we’re ashamed, we think we deserved it, we’re afraid no one would believe us, we feel guilty and we're afraid people will judge us. Society has taught women to feel like they are “less.” We may not have been raised by our families this way (or maybe some unfortunately have) but women are not treated equally so why would we risk “outing” ourselves with a sexual assault or misconduct against us if we’re only going to be judged for it or not even believed? To the women who have had the courage to speak up right away, I admire you and thank you for hopefully saving the girl that would have come after you if you had not come forward. To the women who spoke up and weren’t believed or it was brushed under the carpet, I mourn for you and know that you are loved and it's not your fault. To all the ignorant folks out there that are pretty quick to dismiss the word of the women who have had the courage to speak up and who justify the constant misogynistic actions of this administration, you know women who have been abused and assaulted. You know them, you probably even love them. They are your friends, family, and acquaintances. You know them. Does that change your mind on posting your ridiculous, ignorant, uneducated comments? You know them. They were just too embarrassed to tell you or WORSE, they did tell you and you didn’t believe them. Statistically, your daughter, wife, sister, mother, or friend is probably going to be a victim. Will you believe them when they tell you? Will you judge them if they wait years to come forward? Did your daughter deserve it because she got drunk at a high school party? Did your sister ask for it because she wore a provocative top? Was your wife in the wrong place at the wrong time? What will you say to them when they have the courage to tell you? I certainly hope you don’t treat them the way other women who have found the courage to come forward are being treated. Maybe, just maybe, try to think about that before you open your mouth and comment, sound good? Until next time my friends
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There’s a quote (probably from someone famous and not the meme I read it off of) that says “Better to dance with the devil you do than the devil you don’t”
It all started when I had this amazing weekend long date with “Veronica”. “V” for short….yep that’s right, ALL WEEKEND! The weekend was full of sex, too much talking, way too much overthinking and a lot of time wasted watching TV but all that said, it was really nice weekend. Now, before you go “OH SHIT, is she gay?!” “Did she just come out” - No. Contrary to what ex # 2 told some people, I’m not gay (“not that there’s anything wrong with that” Seinfeld.) Quick side bar - sometimes I think life would probably be easier if I was gay. For examples, we could buy tampons in bulk, share the same shampoo, they wouldn’t feel the need to compete with my son for attention and they’d know to back the fuck off every 28 to 30 days, but I digress…back to the story: It started on a raining Friday night with “V’s” idea to veg out on my couch and binge watch Game of Thrones (or GoT as the cool kids type it). Admittedly, I was a Game of Thrones virgin. After popping the Season 1, episode 1 cherry, I still wasn’t sure why it had a cult following but that quickly changed as the night progressed. Between the castles, the scenery, the sex (not the incest part) and the hotties (for the love of God, where has Jason Momoa been all my life and why wasn’t I using the image of him a lot more often in any "extra curricular activities"), I was hooked on the series. Before I knew it, it was after 2am and Season 1 was almost over. In between all the tits and ass in the GoT episodes, I would analyze “V.” It was clear “V” talked too much and needed to let some shit go but overall was a relatively cool person and I hadn’t given them enough credit. I’ve known “V” as long as I can remember but didn’t really get to know them on a more personal level until about 4 years ago. “V” is sarcastic, funny, cynical and complains a lot about not getting laid. On the flip side, “V” is also the “forever” optimist when it comes to loves and really tries to help people get through the frustrations of single life (or life in general). “V” has a relatively decent personality and comes across as a pretty “open book” person but definitely hides a little bit of a dark side. “V” can be pretty jaded, a bit bitter, and doesn’t really trust that others are genuine (especially those of the opposite sex) “V” is into deep conversations that sound totally weird to people that don’t like to dive. I’ve sometimes wondered if “V” is bi-polar or a little schizo (there’s a lot of talking to themselves) but after a fair amount of legit (barely paid for by insurance) therapy, they officially don’t have either of those disorders. “V”’s just trying to figure shit out. I often overlooked “V” when I was in the mood for company with another person because I thought there were too many issues in “V’s” head for there to be much fun. I thought it was a lot more exciting to shop for a stranger on the internet and go on some dates then dance with the devil I knew – “V”. I often underestimated “V” and was pretty judgmental of their behavior. I also took into consideration (way too often) other people’s opinions of “V”. A lot of which was/is total bullshit and I didn’t realize that until I spent some quality 1/1 time with “V”. “V” and I went all weekend long and didn’t just binge on GoTs. We over analyzed life and our relationships, and while there was some crying and vulnerability, there was a fair amount of laughing at the fact that we’d survived a lot of those choices and those same bad choices lead to some pretty great things, including new relationships. There was quite a bit of nostalgia for way back when past “loves” and a little thoughts on “hmmm…wonder what they’re up to now”. There was a TON of analysis over my more recent dating adventures and why I seem to have this 3 to 4 week honeymoon period with dates and then I run for the hills and okay…fine, there might have been a little bit of sex too (well sort of and most of the sex was just on GoTs) The thing is “V” is the devil I know. “V” is me. “V” is the dark, vulnerable side we’ve all got (whether you care to admit it or not) I just happen to name mine after this work exercise we did about three years ago where we basically named our alter egos. Yep, that’s right. I spent a weekend binge watching GoT’s by myself and here’s what I learned:
All that said, my binge watch of GoT, reminded me of how much I need time to myself to reboot. The only downside to the weekend (aside from the couch potato pounds gained) was that it didn’t end in really hot sex (well at least not with an actual person.) It’s also not very conducive to inspiring any new blogs so with that in mind, I’m contemplating dipping my toes in the dating pool again, even if it’s just for blog material (and to avoid another binge fest on my couch.) Maybe I should figure out how that whole Tinder thing works? Later gators! (In Don Miguel Ruiz’s book “the Mastery of Love” he talks about the perfect relationship. He suggests “Imagine a perfect relationship. You’re always intensely happy with your partner because you live with the perfect man or woman for you”…blah, blah… and then goes on to tell us to relate to this person the same way you would relate to a dog. Yep, that’s right “the way you relate to this person will be exactly the way you relate with a dog”. Let's just take a minute here.....take a look at your dog (or other pet if you have one) and then look at your partner (if you have one, an ex if you don't) and try to relate to them in the exact same way. Just the thought of this, makes me laugh because now I’m picturing my last few dates as various types of pound puppies. Anyway, I digress (shocker.)
DMR goes on to say that no matter what you do, your dog is always going to be a dog no matter what (so basically….if you’re with someone, accept them for exactly who they are) He says “You’re not going to change a dog for a cat or a dog for a horse; it is what it is” (SIDE NOTE, because I'm pretty sure my virginity has grown back, when I read that line, I thought well if they're "hung like a horse" then does it really matter if it's a cat or a dog" anyway, I'm really not that shallow so back to the story) So if you’re a pet owner “aka in a relationship” and you have a “dog” (not literally), don’t try to turn it into a “cat.” Just flippen love them, unconditionally. If you don't know how to do that, get your head out of your ass and go see a therapist and figure your shit out. By the same token, if you’re looking to adopt “aka dating” and you really want a dog, don’t go to the pound and settle on a cat because they don’t have the breed of dog you want. For the purposes of this blog, we’re going to primarily focus on “Adopting” (yep back to the topic of dating...with some backstory of course)...A couple months ago I had dinner with Officer 420, who also happens to be in the "adoption" market. Now, I didn’t meet Officer 420 on POF but it is where we re-connected. About a year ago, I saw Officer 420 around town (ok it was actually the carpool line at school). I knew my friend knew him so I tasked her to do the appropriate recon “what’s his deal, married, girlfriend, available, etc.” She was successful, he was single, and information was exchanged. We texted for a few weeks, were supposed to meet up but Officer 420 canceled (for a legit issue) and then our texts sort of slowed down and not much effort was made by either of us. I didn't take it personally (since we hadn't actually met yet, lol!) so I just chucked it up to “oh well, he’s probably not interested and I’m too busy to date anyway” Fast forward to this past Spring and my first few days on POF and who should appear but Officer 420 as a “viewed you.” If you need clarification, dating sites will often tease you with “who’s viewed you”, “you’re a mutual match” etc. It’s basically “I spy with my little eye, a guy nearby" so let me go read his profile. I wasn’t quite sure if Officer 420 would even remember me because we’d never met face to face, I’d just sort of “oogled” him from the distance like a shy girl in high school (I know, me shy – right) As we know, I was finding the Plenty of Fish site F’in horrific. Very few people seemed "normal" and the process of weeding out the crazies was exhausting. I somewhat “knew” Officer 420 so I decided “misery loves company” and I reached out to say hi via text. After the “hey stranger, saw you on POF, blah blah blah” message and a few other chit chat texts, he told me to careful on POF (and he wasn’t kidding) We shared the common thought of people being crazy on the site and that we were basically getting what we paid for (remember, it was a free site). After exchanging the “how’s life” pleasantries, he said life's “Not bad. Except dating, lol!” That made me think – why do we all make it so hard? I felt compelled to ask him if he wanted insights on the female mind to give the guy some extra bait for his line as he tossed it into the crazy world of POF and was sort of shocked when he took me up on the offer. After sharing a few “do this, don’t do that” type of advice snippets we decided to meet for coffee and work on his profile for online dating. Somehow meeting for coffee turned into dinner (but I insisted we go Dutch because I wasn't sure if it was actually a date) and we didn't really work on his profile, although I did suggest a few more pics I'd seen on his facebook page. This is what I learned….
Officer 420 and I agreed we’d both had a good time and we got together a few more times after that first "date" but I was never sure if we were actually dating or just two people with the common goal of having fun and sharing "war stories". We weren't in the same place on what we were looking for, so much like the first round of communication, it seemed to mutually fizzle out with neither one of us making much of an effort. I'm of the school of thought that what's meant to be will be and it will feel somewhat effortless. On a side note, I do occasionally get to innocently "oogle" Office 420 in the carpool line when I drop my son off at school...so not a total loss. With all that rambling said, remember, if you're "adoption shopping" for a new companion and you've always preferred the company of a loving cuddling "pup"- don't try to adopt a fickle pussy. It will only annoy you while you're trying to sleep and then ignore you want you want to give it attention. (Side note, cats really can be assholes) Until next time :) 4/12/2017 0 Comments The AftermathOne of Google’s definitions of the word “Aftermath” is “The consequences or aftereffects of a significant unpleasant event”.
If you need to be brought up to speed, the “unpleasant event” that I’m referring to is my one and only week on Plenty of Fish....the “aftereffects” are the dudes on there that are certifiable. From a “Truth in Advertising” stand point - I think POF’s tag line should read “the free site for the criminally insane” or perhaps "felons welcome" because I know for fact there are a few on there that actually are convicted felons. In my brief time on POF, I encountered more “artistic expressions” (aka dick pics) than I ever would have expected, was called a loser, and a liar (because I thanked them for their note but said I wasn’t interested) and learned about some interesting “preferences” (aka fetishes….no, lie, there’s actually a guy on there that multiple women know as the “foot fetish guy”) I was hit on by a quite a few young 20/early 30 somethings (which was actually sort of flattering (but the age gap was less between them and my son than me, so I opted out… and I’m confident none of them would even know what “Calgon, take me away” means…and that would just make me feel old) I was solicited by more than one married guy. Ironically, they were honest about being married as if that would make a difference. I did find one “married” message SUPER entertaining.…the dude (using the elephant poo definition this time) sent me a message that read “To be 100% honest, like your profile, I’m married but I’m a really good looking guy, l live in your area, and I bet we could have a lot of fun together. I’m also a really great guy, you should get to know me” Is it just me or is that a little contraindicated? There was a little more in the message about how great he was but I thanked him for his note with a “thanks, but no thanks” and suggested that perhaps his wife might feel differently about him being a “great guy” but who knows, right? (Heads up for my fellow chicks and dudes (the good guy definition) on dating sites – the trend I noticed - if there was no picture, they’re probably married) The final “kiss of death” for the POF site came from this one dude (Elephant poo definition) finally crossed the line, with what I considered to be a threat so I said to myself “yeah, fuck this shit. I’m out.” I decided it would be best to probably go ahead and change my original (hilarious & honest) profile to something a little more realistic (kind of like a “not so” fond farewell note)…. The Headline went from “Attempt at the most honest profile…” to “Peace out, how do I delete this quick enough” The new ABOUT ME section (which I felt was, once again, as honest as possible): 90% of the people on here are psycho. That's not a good ratio for me. Best of luck to the "normal" ones. My advice to the good guys that feel like they're getting a bad rap and lumped in with the psychos – 1. this isn't the site for the good guys. Suck it up and either pay to try eHarmony or Match - because in talking to a guy friend that's on here, the female ones that respond are a lot like the crazy psychos that send the normal girls threats because we don't want to meet for coffee 2. The girls aren't responding because: - they're either normal and overwhelmed, - know what they want and something in your profile isn't for them (so don't take it personally), - or they're not into juggling people and think they've found a nice one that they're talking too and don't want to start a conversation while they're already talking to someone else. Good luck good guys. I hope you have better luck on a different site but if you meet on here, make sure you do a background check :) Surprisingly, even this new profile got some hits, LOL! One in particular was really sweet, Hawaii 5-0. To back up, Hawaii 5-0 had sent me a message off the original profile that just said my profile really was honest and he hoped I found what I was looking for…I pretty much took that as, “you’re pretty funny (a little too crazy for me) and best of luck” But after the “A bid you adieu” profile, he reached out again and appeared to be genuinely nice. He said he was sorry to see that I’d had bad experiences, suggested I try a few tips to make the site less intrusive, and then wished me well. I responded with appreciation and told him if he needed any advice on what chicks were thinking or just wanted a good laugh, he could follow the blog :) I logged off (semi- permanently) after the new profile was listed and only kept the account to go back and reference emails for the blog but I deleted all my pictures and hid my profile quicker than Donald Trump or Pinocchio could tell a lie. A few weeks later, I officially deleted myself off of the site and determined that maybe I wasn’t quite as ready to date as I thought. On a positive note, I did meet one guy that was really nice and good company and I re-connected with someone I’d known prior to POF. So it wasn't all bad and frankly, without it, I never really would have gotten off my ass to start this blog. Who knows what will happen from here but if and when I decide to hit a dating site again, it will definitely be in safer waters. (I wonder what Match costs these days? :) Until next time my friends... Accordingly to Wikipedia, the Dead Sea is “receding at an alarming rate”, much like my interest in online shopping for a date on Plenty of Fish (POF). Am I really surprised? Much like the Dead Sea, Plenty of Fish is “a harsh environment in which not much can flourish” and after all, you get what you pay for (if I forgot to mention, it's a free site).
While I’m normally totally a Pollyanna with life (refer back to “the profile” blog entry - positive person (normally) to the point of annoying people) my experience, so far on the site, does not have me shitting rainbows (Attention deficit side note – I actually have a pair of socks that says “it’s a shitting rainbows kind of day”, okay now back on track). Now, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that a lot of men might be illiterate. Clearly, if they only read a quarter of the novel I wrote (or even just #7), they probably wouldn’t have contacted me. So if they aren’t illiterate, they have absolutely no common sense, or respect for the women they are reaching out to online. DUDES – stop trying to connect with just anyone! It won’t last. Pay attention, figure out the type of girl you’re looking for and stop complaining that no one responds, it’s probably because you have nothing in common. Take it as a sign from the universe and move on and that does go for the chicks reading too. (side note - did you know the urban definition of dude is a ball of poop stuck to an Elephant's ass? I'm going with the more common definition of "man/guy" for this blog. Anyway, back to the blog) All of the above was originally the opener for an entry that was going to focus on some specific stories regarding my first few “catches” that I reeled in on plenty of fish but then my ADD kicked in and I started scrolling through Facebook instead of writing about my “fish”…this is where it takes a totally different spin. My friend, Powie, posted “RIP Amy Krouse Rosenthal” on her facebook page and it caught my eye (mainly because FB has that stupid huge ass font when you only write a few words.) Truthfully, I had no f’in clue who that was so I quickly googled her for fear it was someone that my already grieving friend knew personally. The first google “hit” that popped up was a quick blurb from the NY Times that said “Amy Krouse Rosenthal, Children’s Author and Filmmaker, Dies at 51.” (I made an assumption my friend was merely a fan and didn’t know her personally) The 2nd was something Amy had written for a NY Times column, Modern Love, just a few days before she died. It was entitled “You May Want to Marry My Husband.” Well, me being the hippie that I am, said….”omg, that’s could be a sign from the Universe, I’m looking for a date and she said I might want to marry her husband so I should read that one first and I wonder if I do want to marry her husband?” Side note, I’m not insensitive but I am often inappropriate (I know...shocker). My family just deals with sad/uncomfortable news/issues/information with humor and sarcasm. It’s never meant with malicious intent. It’s our coping mechanism. Now back to the program. I did do a super quick read of hit #1, I gathered Amy started out as a lawyer, quit her day job and become a very popular children’s writer and columnist. She did TedTalks, these kick ass social experiments and a whole lot of other stuff that made me feel like I’ve probably spent way too much time of my life watching TV and playing on Facebook. But it was the second hit, “You May Want to Marry My Husband” that took this entry into an entirely different direction. Amy died on March 13, 2017 of Ovarian cancer. She was 51 (a mere 9 years older than me and 13 years younger than my mother). Believing she was having an appendicitis, she went to the hospital on September 5, 2015 (ironically my grandmother’s 99th birthday, grandma is now 100 – it’s the ADD, I can’t help it) with her husband, by the end of the visit to the ER, she found out she had late stage Ovarian Cancer. The irony for Amy and her husband was that it was their first day as empty nesters, their last child finally out of the house and off to college. All the plans they had for their “new found freedom” (my term, not hers) went out the window. Amy’s humor in this article, even in her last days on this earth, gave me this huge smile right along with a steady stream of heart felt tears. To say the article is touching is an understatement. It’s the story of someone trying to find humor, and a date for her husband, in the last days of her life. Someone so filled with joy and love for her husband that she wants to write his brief “dating profile,” before her death, in the hopes that he’ll find someone in which he can begin a new love story since their 26 year story was being cut short. If you listen closely to her words, you can actually hear the unbelievable love and joy this couple had for each other, partnered with her tremendous amount of disappointment for the things they’ll no longer be able to do and the pain that comes when one realizes something is over, forever. The column comes to a close with Amy leaving an intentional empty space as a way of giving them (her husband and his new partner) the fresh start they deserve (totally her words, not mine). Holy fucking emotion Batman - it was a heart tugging column. As I wiped the tears away from my eyes grieving for a woman and her family I’ll never know, I can’t help but evaluate all the love stories read, watched, lived, or been lucky enough to see firsthand. It also makes me want to give unsolicited “words of wisdom” (Disclaimer: I have no idea what I’m talking about and if you take this advice, you do so at your own risk and I would seek professionally assistance as needed)…. First words of wisdom.... If you’re in a marriage, partnership, relationship, etc. that isn’t bringing joy to each of you on a regular basis, helping the other person be the best person they can be, making each other smile more often than not, etc. Take a big fucking pause right now (with each other) and figure out now if it can be all of those things.
Secondly, Live your life. Truly Live it. According to the article about Amy Rosenthal’s death in the NYTimes by Daniel Victor, “Amy once said her favorite line from literature, was in Thornton Wilder’s play “Our Town,” as spoken by the character Emily as she bids the world goodbye: “Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?” I don’t know how to correctly give credit to Daniel for that statement, because I’m just a girl with a laptop and not a degree, but it resonated with me. How often, if ever, are we truly realizing life? And why aren’t we doing it every day? Here’s something relatively new about me you don’t know. I have a playlist for my funeral. I don’t think I’m going to die anytime soon but you just never know. It doesn’t have many songs on it but after my friend’s grandpa passed away last year, we were laughing at the reception after the service (that’s right, that’s how we roll) joking about how funerals really need better “play lists” so, that day, I started one. After reading Amy's article and the articles about her, I added the song that, I hope, will be the grand finale at the service. The song is “I lived” by One Republic (here’s a link to the the lyrics which you should 100% look up - https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=lyrics+to+lived+by+one+republic&* ) Here's the snap shot on the lyrics.... I did it all I owned every second that this world could give I saw so many places The things that I did Yeah, with every broken bone I swear I lived Side note: Ironically, I heard the song, for the first time, the day my grandfather died. He died at age 98, we were pretty close. The hippie in me told me to take it as a sign. I did. Two years later, my life is pretty different, I’m trying to live it to its fullest and I’m probably the happiest I’ve ever been (although I could go for getting laid more often). No fishing tonight. Until next time… For those interested in reading Amy Krouse Rosenthal’s last writings, grab a box of tissues and click on this link - https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/03/style/modern-love-you-may-want-to-marry-my-husband.html 3/21/2017 0 Comments “And now headlining…”After a few days of a whole lot of crazy on Plenty of Fish, I got around to completing my online dating "profile".
The profile is your “why you should date me” full page, for lack of a better analogy, advertisement. Some profiles (like the one I originally had) have absolutely no information on the person except the required fields and a quick “just looking” or “checking this out”. Others (like the one I ultimately created) are NOVELS. Now, while I really tried to make mine a true reflection of me, some of the other “novels” were rants from really frustrated people. Rants on what they didn’t want, how crazy people were, etc. While some were pretty innocent, legit, "I just don't get people" rants...most were really aggressive to the point that I couldn't help but think "thanks for the warning that you’re just as fucking nuts as the people you’re writing about.” Back to the profile...a quick tip to those online dating - select a profile pic that doesn’t make you look like a serial killer, a bunny boiler or pics where your face isn’t beaten to a pulp (true story - one guy’s picture literally looked like he’d had the shit beat out of him…dried up blood, bruises, swollen eye, the whole 9 yards. I actually wondered if it was serious or a joke…in POF’s defense, that pic was actually from last summer’s stint on Match.com.) If you choose one of these less than flattering pictures of yourselves, you’re probably not going to snag you a fish anytime soon, but that’s just my opinion. Here's something to look forward to...for those that read this entire blog, you receive a free "gift" of two of my profile pics at the bottom of the blog (don't look ahead, you'll ruin your gift.) These online sites try to “guide you” on what you should say in the way of “share your likes” “what do you want in a partner”, “tell your future partner what your hobbies are” etc. I didn’t really need their guidance because the "plenty of the fish" I was encountering were very helpful in identifying exactly what I DIDN’T want in a date and I was pretty sure I’d be able to express it in the profile (see #7 but don’t look ahead yet) Writing about yourself is a lot easier than people think if you just start typing EXACTLY you’re thinking and then edit with a friend (or two) accordingly. As a reminder from "Go Fish", my goal for my online dating profile was to be as honest as possible, make it enjoyable, and weed out the crazies. WARNING: if you’re an immediate male member of my family, either one of my aunts on my mom’s side, or my mom there may be items in this blog entry that will make you shake your head or wish you hadn’t read it. If you chose to read everything from this point forward, you were warned and by accepting this disclaimer, you will not be allotted the opportunity to pass judgement. Now onto my actual profile…. First the site suggests a “Headline” which immediately made me think of a comedy club “now headlining” but anyway….for my “Headline” I chose “An attempt at the most honest female profile on POF.” Now onto the “About Me” (forewarning, mine was long a shit because I figured I’d put it all out there) here goes…yes, I really did put this online for the world of dating to see and now for all of you, but so be it...... “I figured since so many attentive guys have sent the one liner “you have an awesome profile”, I’d actually type one. Before we begin, “just looking” is not an invite for unsolicited naked pics below the waist or invites to start “sexting” and if you send them, I will laugh with my girlfriends over it, whether it’s impressive or not. You’ll also be considered a special kind of crazy that’s right for someone else :) What you should know before messaging me (in a quasi-David Letterman top 10 format – if you don’t get that reference, please skip ahead to #4)
There. That’s my level of crazy and info about me. If you’ve read this whole profile, I’m seriously impressed and will at least meet you for coffee after a minimum 48 hours of text and phone conversations (just to determine your level of crazy). I’m hoping this helps you in your search because this site is sort of exhausting (kind of like how some of you felt if you actually read this) lol! Plenty of Fish also has a First Date section, which I completed as follows… My friends and I had several comical responses for this box but instead, I’ll just say coffee or putt-putt or some activity that encourages conversation and heads up, the conversation should NOT be one sided, if you’re interested, ask me questions (and paying attention to the answers will be awarded bonus boy scout points) don’t just sit there staring at my beautiful eyes. Side bar - any potential folks that are “fishing” for a date and reading this blog, my advice to you is to be as truthful and positive as possible in your profiles. If you’re not by nature a positive or truthful person, I don’t know what to tell you but best of luck with your search. After writing the profile and re-reading it to my friend Abby for feedback and edits, we agreed we would both definitely date me (this is where you LOL) While feedback from potential “candidates” has confirmed I achieved my first two goals of the profile, I did NOT achieve goal #3 to weed out some of the “we are absolutely not compatible” or “crazy ass (in a really bad way) fish” as I had originally hoped but that's a blog entry for another time. Again, I admit it was a pretty damn long, maybe a bit too forward of a profile but I figured, what did I have to lose? C.S. Lewis said “Be weird. Be random. Be who you are. Because you never know who would love the person you hide” I don’t know what book he wrote it in or if he just said it (because I read it off a meme on Facebook) but it’s a true statement. We all need to stop hiding our weird and stop hiding who we really are. When you let yourself be you, you find your tribe (yeah, I know that term is used a lot these days) and eventually the perfect half that will compliment your kind of crazy and that’s why I decided to be so forthcoming in my profile. So far it hasn’t totally bit me in the ass (yet). Until next time my friends, be kind. (and don't forget your bonus gifts of my profile pics, below!) It’s time for me to “go fish” and see if the new profile has snagged anything yet. 3/21/2017 2 Comments go fishWhen you’re a kid, “Go Fish” is one of the easiest games to play. For those that lived under a rock and didn’t play it, "Go Fish" is a card game in which one player asks another player if they have a certain type of card. If the player has the card, they have to give it up. If they don’t have it, the asking player has to “go fish.” Eventually, after a number of repetitive questions, the player that accumulates the most pairs wins.
Dating is a lot like the game “Go Fish” in the sense that people ask the same questions, over and over again, with different people until at some point, you hopefully find a match. Apparently, on some dating sites, the more matches you make the better (ie. let me see how many people I can date at one time). Personally, I barely have enough time to take a pee, let alone date a load of fish that are apparently a "match". I had lunch with my friend "Curls" a few weeks ago. We chatted about the dating site she'd been testing out called Plenty of Fish (now mostly referred to as "POF".) She had recently met someone and, while it was early and on the “down low”, she said “so far, so good.” A few days later, feeling pretty good about life, I pondered “should I dive back into the dating pool?” I’ve been divorced a little over a year and had one brief bout with dating last summer but have spent the last several months focusing on kids, renovating a house, and reading hippie/change your life stuff.... for some reason, this made me feel “ready” to dive back in. Somewhere in between “life is good, but maybe I should find some adult company” to “I wonder if I’m going to die alone with a house full of cats?” I decided to sign up for POF. Since my friend was feeling good about her current “fish”, I figured why not? How bad could it be? After all it’s free. At no point in the late night hours of that particular Sunday did it occur to me that I might “get what you pay for” so on logged on and started to “go fish.” Now, initially, I just thought, “you’re only going to browse so don’t do the whole profile”. I filled in the bare minimum, “drop down” required questions (height, body type, astrological sign, etc.) and added “just looking” as both my header and the “about me” section. It’s pretty amazing how many fish will try and bite a line that’s not even there. I think some of my favorite notes received were “You have a great profile” to “I really like what you said in your profile.” Who would have thought “just looking” would be such a great pick up line? I should have tried it years ago! Now, what I didn’t realize is that “just looking” must be a “super-secret” code for “hey, let’s start sexting right away and send unsolicited pictures of my penis and genitals” because that’s basically the majority of what I saw within my first 48 hours. SIDE NOTE - if you’re on Plenty of Fish (or any other dating site for that matter) and are the type of person that’s into that, more power to you – no judgement here - BUT, you can expect most relatively “normal” girls to laugh at it, be slightly embarrassed, share that picture with her friends and then run for the hills (no matter how impressive the pics may be.) Now I try to live an “attitude of gratitude,” so I am truly grateful I got those pics and messages. Not only did they helped me figure out where the “block user” was on the website, they also provided over an hour of lunchtime laughter with some of my favorite friends – Abby, Chuckles and Pepi. After about 48 hours of confederate flag loving, big game killing, Trump loving companion candidates, I decided it would probably be best to complete the profile. So I plan to make the most honest female profile on Plenty of Fish. I’ll share the profile when it’s done but the goals are for it to be:
So until next time, I’m going to “go fish” |
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